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Hi hi.
I'm sickish, which sucks major ass. I think it's because I moved around my dresser and my bed in my room, and a whole heckoffalotta dust moved with it. So, I probably inhaled 4 million tons of dust since then, either when I was a sleep or just in my room. Siiigh. I think I'll be ok for acting. In fact, I better be ok.
WOW, we got really really really yummy pizza yesturday night from Round Table, "The Last Honest Pizza", it really is ;) Deeelish.
Anyway. On to the in-depth review of the bad bad movie, the Time Machine.
How was it bad? Let me count the wayss..
1. The whole reason he builds this feekin Time Machine is to go back and have his love not die, who we see ONCE before she does, and instead of feeling sorry for him or her, we laugh. WHY? because we don't know her character. And she comes off as pretty dang stupid/annoying. So there, I laugh at you!
2. He then goes forward in time to find out why he can't go back and save her (he went back once, and she was killed again, though in a different way, HAHAHA). He goes forward forward forward, to like 2030, and everyone is riding uber-bicycles and we have colonies on the moon and stuff. He goes to the public library, to find out why he can't go back and change the past...And he meets Orlando Jones! Plate Glass Man! Who isn't much help at all, but would be really cool to have one in your house.
Anyway.
3. He goes forward only a little bit, and omygod, the MOON is falling! The colonies disrupted the orbit! Some special "get out of here now" guys come in a big truck thing, and they yell at poor guy pearce :( He doesn't know whats going on! So he asks and asks, and then tell him, he runs back to his timemachine and it beats him up!! Well, he gets knocked out, anyways. And he has his hand on the pimped-out "go" lever, so he's going and he ain't stopping!
then there's this sorta cool thingy where you see time pass v. v. fast.
4. then it cuts to Samantha Mumba making him drink some crap, so he'll get better. Remember he got beat up? Yeah. So now he's with the Elois! Who are pretty dumb, if you ask me. And whats with this? They show you that his rib(s) are broken or v. v. v. badly bruised, and ooohhh, Samantha wraps gauze around his middle! Oooh! ALL BETTER! What the hell? Is this magical gauze? These people don't have clocks but they have MAGICAL GAUZE? and then she just happens to speak english. Yah huh.
5. Morlocks, ahahahahahaha!!!! Wannbe orcs/uruk-hai!! Hahahah! The jump around and shoot the peace loving dumbshit Eloi with these stupid dart things, then they run around and catch someof 'em. DUMB ACTION SEQUENCE. Guy Pearce manages to rip one a new ass, but, that's hardly beliveable, because he's so skinny (still cute, but skinny) and these morlocks umm..are real muscle-ee. So, oh no, Samantha Mumba gets captured!
DUMB SAVING THE GIRL ACTION SEQUENCE
did I mention the morlocks are cannibals? well, there are, hahaha.
6. Then you meet Jeremy Irons! :
"Hello, my name is Jeremy Irons! Why I'm in this peice of shit film I don't quite know! I have wannabe Saruman hair and black lipstick! Am I trying to crossdress, I don't know? Am I hitting on Guy Pearce..erm..maybe! We have to have some sexual tension in this film, don't we? Anyway! Then I beat up Guy Pearce, because he doesn't like me! Waaah! I even tell him WHY he can't change the past! Then I get time-machined away, and I die. Oooer."
7. Then he blows up the time machine for some dumb reason, killing all the evil evil Morlocks. And then he holds Samanthas hand, ahhhh. So now the peace loving Elois are hunted no more!
end of movie.
....hehehe.
Straight from the horses mouth.
Regards,
-Milky